How to be kinder to ourselves
All of my coaching clients are incredibly passionate about their work. They are involved in creating change in the world. They are committed to doing good and making a difference.
They are also putting a lot of pressure on themselves.
They talk to me about the long to-do lists that they have, how they never complete their list, and the stress this creates.
And as if they are not stressed enough, many of them are also telling themselves that there must be something wrong with them because they are unable to get everything done. Even if they know realistically that there is no way that they could get all the work done, they still judge and berate themselves.
What happens when we do this? Does it help us to get more done when we put so much pressure on ourselves? No way! So, how can we be kinder to ourselves?
Have you heard the term self-compassion? Having compassion for yourself is not different from having compassion for others.
To have compassion for others, you:
Must first notice that they are suffering. Think about your best friend telling you about a stressful situation at the office, and how this is affecting her levels of confidence. By hearing her story, you realize she is suffering.
Once you recognize the suffering, you are moved by it. Your heart reacts to your friend’s distress. When this happens, you feel a sense of caring and want to help her. You offer understanding and kindness, rather than judging her harshly.
Finally, when you feel compassion for someone (rather than pity) you realize that suffering is a common human experience. We all suffer when we experience too much stress, when our supervisors scold us, or when they don’t recognize our work.
Self-compassion works the same way.
When you are in a difficult or stressful situation:
Don’t ignore it or tell yourself to just push through. Don’t judge or criticize yourself for feeling this way. Rather, take a moment to acknowledge what you feel.
Deliberately take some time to tell yourself “this is really hard” and “what can I do to comfort myself right now”. Talk to yourself as you would talk to your best friend, showing understanding and support.
Realize that you are not alone. Having compassion for yourself means that you accept and honor yourself as a human, accepting that while you will make mistakes or fall short of your ideals, you are really trying your best.
Try this the next time you feel really stressed about not getting everything done!
Reach out to me if you’d like to learn more about integrating mindfulness and self-compassion in your life!
More Resources…
If you would like to read more about self-compassion, I recommend the work of Dr. Kristin Neff. A great place to start is her book Self Compassion Step by Step.
Personally, I love the audio version of the book read by Dr. Neff herself, which you can find here.
If you’re curious for more information on self-compassion, check out the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion’s website.
